Insomnia(c)

Evade me not, i yearn for thee

My tired soul seeks your retreat,

My eyes are heavy, my body sore 

Yet i lie awake, I cannot sleep.

Troubled thoughts cross my mind.

I search for answers and clarity.

For all my dreams are now undefined,

While i lie awake as I cannot sleep.

A thousand tasks lie ahead of me,

I wait for dawn to come quickly.

If only this night would melt away

As I lie awake (I cannot sleep ).

A new day lies in my wake,

A brand new start, a whole new date.

This is my chance to rejuvenate.

But, i lie awake for I cannot sleep.

As days pass by, I dread the nights. 

I wish I wasnt in this plight.

Where at darkness i stare endlessly,

When I lie awake and cannot sleep.

Encounters of the third kind- Part II THE HUG

The series Encounters Of The Third Kind is dedicated to memorable encounters with people, both good and bad, that have left a mark on me.

THE HUG

This was a few years ago. My father's cousin had come down from Pakistan with his family and we were meeting then for dinner. I had never seen them before.this would be my first time. I knew he had a teenage son and a daughter and I was looking forward to meet my distant cousins. As we waited outside the restaurant for them, they arrived and got down from the car. I had that initial awkwardness that we have when we are meeting someone for the first time. I was wondering what type of people they would be- conservative? Modern? How do i wish them? What will I say first? Will they be friendly? Uptight?  

As all these thoughts were playing in my mind I saw them walking towards us. There was this girl, their daughter I presumed, and as she approached us I noticed she had Downs Syndrome.She was smiling wide at us and even before we could exchanged niceties or made introductions , she just came up to me and hugged me. So tight.  Like we were long lost friends or something meeting after years. It was not a normal slack hug. It was a warm tight hug: the kind that immediately loosens you up, and makes you forget all your troubles for that moment. A hug that acknowledges the goodness in your soul, the human in you. A hug that overwhelms you and chokes you up, yet comforts you. You don't know what it is about such hugs but they are contagious and I couldn't help but hug her back in the same way. 

  

While I had all these apprehensions about meeting new people, this girl Sarrah, never bothered about all that. She didn't judge us, she didn't care if we would like her friendliness or not. All she knew was to spread cheer and love with that constant smile on her face. She greeted everyone with equal warmth and a cheerful manner. I couldn't take my eyes off her that evening. I wondered if I would ever open up like that with a stranger. I noticed how overprotective and conscious her brother was of his sister and kept supervising her through the dinner so that we didn't feel awkward with her mannerisms. Oh I didn't care how she held her spoon or how she ate her food. All I cared was how she acknowledged the human in us without any qualms or prejudice. The friendly manner in which she met us for the first time.That day left me anew. I went home feeling so good.

A few months later I got the news that Sarrah is no more. I was shocked. I sobbed like I would have for a dear one. I had only met her once briefly and we hardly spoke. But something about her had stayed with me. It was the warmth of her endearing hug that had connected me to her and that was why I mourned her.

I have big time trust issues while meeting new people. I take time to study them, even judge them by their appearance before I can open up completely and be myself. But Sarrah taught me how a single encounter can leave an everlasting impression on you and make you feel good even years later. We meet new people ever other day. But do we make the effort to connect at such a deep level? Just a smile can break that barrier but it won't mean anything if it doesn't come from the heart. People cross our path for a reason  And Sarrah came into my life to teach me how one meeting can leave you with a lifelong memory.

Dear daughter....

My dear daughter,
This letter's for you.
As you grow up, I need to tell you :
It's a cruel big bad world out there
I worry for you beta, are you aware
That this world will kill your innocence as you grow?

They will give you norms that you will have to fill
How to sit, stand and walk, in which manner should you talk.
"You are a girl, don't do this don't do that",
There will always be a code they will expect you to conduct.

You will get tired correcting your flaws,
But to them you will always remain a little too fat, short or dark.
Don't fall into this trap of the standards the world has set.
They are superficial, they are meaningless!

Dear daughter, no matter what you do it will be imperfect nevertheless;
But remember you are above all, you are no less.
Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise,
They will try and pull you down, but, you must rise.

My dear sweetheart, enjoy every moment of your life,
Don't spend it all blindly in the wordly strife!
Enjoy this world for the beauty it contains,
In the song of the bird, in the rhythm of the rain.

Happiness is in uplifting your mates, not in putting them down.
Always remember- what goes around comes around.
Be crazy, be weird, be mad- it's alright!
It's okay to cry at times, sometimes it's okay to fight!

Don't belittle anyone- you dont know their struggle!
Be kind, be helpful, be honest, be gentle.
But, be stern and stubborn when the situation demands!
Be brave and stand for your beliefs, don't give in to commands!

My dear daughter, life will not always be easy as a song,
I hope you will find love that you will cherish life long.
But mind you that path is not a bed of roses,
It will require great effort and many sacrifices.

My dear darling, I may not be with you till the end
I wish you will grow up to be a strong woman,
A woman that has lived a life with no regrets-
A life with no fear, a life full of zest.

The year of giving up

Last year was tough. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a neuro musculoskeletal pain disorder and my chronic pains basically decided everything for me. No, it has no cure. Chronic pain is a bitch . It eats and gnaws on you slowly leaving you such that you will never be whole again. It kills a part of you. You never heal.
Living in pain 24*7 aint easy. I had to give up on a lot of things.  I gave up on my work, I gave up socialising, I gave up reading books because my hand couldn't hold one, I gave up writing, making crafts. I gave up riding my two wheeler,  I gave up shopping, meeting friends, I gave up my favourite foods because I became intolerant to many,  I gave up complaining about my pains, I gave up explaining my pains, I gave up being understood, I gave up on empathy. I gave up on looking good, I gave up looking at myself in the mirror, I gave up smiling and being happy. If I did, it was just an act to pretend normal in front of my family.
I became home bound and started avoiding people, stopped taking calls or replying to messages. I couldn't roll out chapattis, I couldn't stand for long to cook, I had to pray namaz sitting on a chair. Even bathing became difficult. At 35, not being able to do even normal routine chores makes you feel useless. I would cry in the bathroom. I would cry while praying. I would just stare into the distance and start crying. Everyday was a constant struggle to get up and go about taking care of my children, my husband and myself.
But what I didn't give up on was my faith in my creator.  I knew it was He who gave me this suffering and I knew only He could take it away from me. It was just a matter of time. I never gave up on praying.  I never gave up on researching and reading about my illness. I never gave up on my search for the right doctor to help me. And by sheer chance I met one who changed my life. After my pains became slightly manageable with medication, I started exercising and gradually things became much better.
So is the pain gone?  No. But its bearable now. Am I physically fit to get back to my old life? Nope. I still can't do many activities. Am I cured? No I am not. Will I ever be painfree? I don't know. Will I be able to work like before?  I don't care. All that mattered was I had learnt to manage my everyday pains and work around it to make sure I could make the best out of each day.
I realised the true meaning of the words "Everyday is a blessing ". Yes it is. I don't take any moment for granted. I know that my physical state now is a blessing and for as long as I can be this way, I will live my life to the fullest and celebrate life to the maximum.
So even though I gave up a lot of things,  I also came out much stronger in my faith and beliefs. And now on my 36th birthday I want to give up on a few more things: I would like to give up negativity, hopelessness, depression, hatred, ego, jealousy and all such things which make life miserable and take the fun out of it . And I would like to embrace life and the people in my life who make it worth living. It's too short to waste it.
A year can change a lot of things! And this illness changed a lot for me. Life is slower than before and yes I have to be very careful about the amount of activities I can do per day. I cannot overstrain. I have my limits. But there are so many things I can still do and I am grateful for the ability to do them. It's all about seeing the good in the bad.
This post is to thank all my family, friends, well wishers for being a part of my journey. For not giving up on me. For making me feel so special. I couldn't be happier. May Allah almighty bless all the wonderful people in my life!
Here's to an all new chapter!

<a href="http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com/images/linkback/linkback-2.png" alt="UK Fibromyalgia" width="150" height="150" border="0" /></a>

The 3 R's after the Rains

The 3R's !
After any disaster or calamity the three main things to be followed are rescue, relief and rehabilitation. We saw how many of the common residents came to the rescue of those affected by the recent Chennai floods,volunteered to provide relief mateials. Now let's not stop at this. Let's keep the efforts going. Next step is to rehabilitate the below poverty level people. those who have lost everything. Make essential kits which will help them sustain their daily living- stoves, raw and non perishable food materials, clothes,  blankets.
We did not wait for the government to act, did we? So let's learn a lesson from this calamity. There is a huge debris left in our streets after this. As everyone Gets busy getting back to their normal life, things are now going to be ignored and neglected. Let that not happen. Let's just start from out streets. Let's volunteer to just start from around our houses. If you are not able to get down and out and do it yourself,  at least make sure you bug the authorities to come and clean it. Don't stop till it's done. Form a street/neighborhood team and follow it up.
After effects of the flood is not going to be good. Start from home. Take the necessary precautions to disinfect your house and surroundings, vaccinate yourselves and your family. And most importantly educate your househelps, maids, watchmen, drivers and other employees on importance of cleanliness, hygiene that is to be followed post floods. If each of us take it upon ourselves, we can bring a huge change. It's possible. We just did it. And we can continue doing it. We don't need to wait for any authorities to act up. We are the change!
-Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin

The empty cage

I had two love birds- yellow and blue;
Quite chirpy, bubbly and animated too.
Every morning I woke up to their Twittery sounds,
Every corner of my house it would surround.
It was fun to watch them fight for food
& Peck on each other when they were rude!
We kept them locked in a green cage
Thinking they would be ours as we age.
One fine day the cage door was gone
No birds,  no nothing,  no more sound.
I wondered why they flew away from us,
Weren't we caring and loved them much?
Then it dawned that it was freedom they found,
Out in the open is where happiness abounds.
I wondered of the day when my children would leave their nest,
And leave me deserted, in search for the best.
My cage would be empty with no more sound
Just memories of them would flutter around.
Oh yes I would miss them so much!
I would yearn to hug them, to kiss and  touch.
But i know that they would soar great heights,
Just like those birds, they will touch the skies!
And for that I must learn to let go-
Because out in the open is where life unfolds!
- Tasneem K

ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND- Part 1

This series, 'Encounters of the third kind' is dedicated to memorable encounters with people, both good and bad, that have left a mark on my memory!!!

As we know that the police is someone you would approach in times of distress and also makes you feel safe when in danger. However i have had some contradictory experiences one of which i have shared here. (I have deliberately left out details on the branch, names etc).

A couple of years back I lost my mobile phone. My bad. With all my work and family pictures and lots of personal information stored inside, I panicked. I thought maybe reporting it with police may help with some chance of finding it back as one of the friends I know had been successful locating it with the help of the police. Also i needed an FIR to apply for a duplicate SIM.
 So I walked in to the nearby police station to file a report. Confidently. As soon as I reached I realized I made a huge mistake visiting this place. I was directed to a room on the first floor with two tables and a smaller room connecting it. One pot bellied mustached police man sat on one table and another similar looking stood nearby. They were questioning an old guy reeking of alcohol, seated on the floor with hands folded and sobbing, "saar manichiringu saar!".
As I entered they asked my business. I said I was there to report my missing phone. The police man looked at each other and exchanged an amused look and the seated guy pointed me to a bench asking me to wait. I sat feeling little uncomfortable. I looked around at the room. Cobwebs everywhere on the ceiling. There were these huge cartons of old monk and some other such brands kept om the loft, consisting of old files i suppose. I mentally counted around 6 or so. I mean like cartons of alcohol bottles? Seriously? In a police station? Are they allowed to drink in a police station? Isn't that their work place? Don't work places have rules? Or maybe rules don't apply to government work places? A creepy feeling crept up my spine as I realized the men to women ratio in the room was 3:1.
They were questioning the old man who was still sobbing and narrating some story explaining what led him to create the mob activity that he was held for. In my mind I knew it must have been the alcohol that caused it.
My attention was drawn to a third police man pacing up an down the corridor staring at me.This was the moment I wished I could have ran out of this creepy place. I looked down at myself to see if I was decently clothed and if a burkha might have been the appropriate dress code to this place.I realized I was dressed modestly enough in a decent black salwar kameez with full sleeves and high neck with a dupatta draped over and I realized that it was not me, but this perverted man's eyes would have penetrated and bored deep through any type of woman's clothing even if she was wearing an iron suit. Some men just have that x-ray vision, you know.
I wondered that if a woman felt so unsafe and vulnerable in the presence of men who are legally endowed to protect you, then there is no place I would feel safe. Nevertheless, I put up a brave face with a "don't mess with me" expression and stared the angriest stare at the policeman outside. I think he understood that I didn't like what he was doing and walked away.
So my turn comes and the seated police guy points at the chair in front of him. Asks me the matter. I realized that English speaking wouldn't be appropriate here and in my most confident Tamil I explained the whole scene to him. He and the other guy exchanged chuckling glances hearing me talk but I ignored and went on with my monologue as he took notes. After I was done, I asked him what were my chances of finding my lost mobile. "None", he said. I just looked at him in dismay for sitting there for so long wasting my time. He went on to say how people lose mobile phones everyday and till now my SIM would have till now been tossed into a gutter, and the mobile sold to some shop who would have restored the factory settings and in turn sold it to someone else. And frankly, they have better work and more important pending cases than looking for lost mobiles. "Still we will try our best Madam, but don't be too hopeful". Point noted.
 I said a polite thank you and left also leaving behind any hope of finding my lost mobile. I could have sworn they mocked me after i had left, as I saw that third policeman join them too. I walked away as fast as i could promising myself to be the best citizen ever so that I never have to encounter being in a police station again!