Marriages and Valentine's day

Couples who have been together for over a decade wouldn't care less about shams like Valentine's day. For them, it's a big deal if they are able to get past a day without murdering each other at times for their sinister side- which you only realise after years of living together.

It takes more than a bunch of roses and chocolates for you to forgive the gross atrocities that a system like marriage unleashes on you. No one tells you that after the bed of roses that love is made to sound like, the bed after marriage gradually turns into a battlefield of sorts for who will have the bigger share of the blanket, or the most space on the bed, in addition to tolerating each others snores, snorts, drools and the wet towel thrown in the morning for the other to pickup.

After 17 years, its now difficult to get past the day with sarcasm, taunts, bickering, snide remarks at the in-laws and arguments on who looks more ugly. Well, who can be blamed for the unrosy picture of the happily ever after which no one talks about. But say what u must, it is also a fact that no matter what, you still wait for the other to show up after the long working day, comforted if not happy that we are in this shit called life, together. That you don't have to be the lone one to bear the brunt of the rolling eyes and temper tantrums of your teen and preteen. This is what gives you the glimmer of hope that a trace of love and affection still exists.

Hubster and me share a love-hate relationship like most normal couples. Infact, our kids cringe if they ever catch us smiling affectionately at the other. However, he is also someone I have got so used to that I cant imagine being without. There are some things that i solely depend on him for and if I am the homemaker, then he is probably my protector.

This morning only reinstated the fact that no matter how strong or independent I will make myself to be, there are some things I just cannot manage without him.

As I entered the kitchen for the morning routine, I was encountered by a stranger. I shrieked in fear as he held out not one, but two weapons at me and stared with rage in his eyes. I called out to my husband helplessly as he cornered me, making evident that any movement from me would only instigate an attack.

 "Help me oh help me please!" Sensing a threat to his existence, the monster lunged at me with all his might! I dodged the attack and ducked and he landed on the wall behind me.

Seizing the opportunity I darted for the door right into the arms of my saviour who had come hearing my cries with a toothbrush in hand and foam in mouth!

"Help me, Kutbi, help me, he's here. And he can fly", I screamed on top of my lungs. My husband grabbed a broom and before my attacker could comprehend, my superhero had lunged at him with his quick reflexes. In no time the cockroach was smashed to his death. In that one moment my husband was no lesser than an avatar of all the Avengers combined together. With tears in my eyes, I was choked with gratitude because in that one moment I knew that he will always be my prince charming, my protector, my knight in shining armour.

"I love you", I said, still shaken. He had saved me from a cockroach. Once again. He looked at me with irritation and annoyance at the commotion I had caused for the kids and the neighbours and went back to the bathroom muttering under his breath about how my XXL size is no good when it comes to my fear of cockroaches. But for me, my Valentine's day was already complete with the testimony of true love I had just witnessed. After all, love is hidden in the little gestures they say.

"TO CARE FOR THOSE WHO CARED FOR US IS ONE OF THE HIGHEST HONOUR"

My Dad recently had a stroke. Across the last five months, we have seen the pillar of our lives crumble in different ways - physically, mentally, cognitively, emotionally. It has changed our lives and the way we live completely. Doctor and physiotherapist visits, 24x7 nursing care, and dealing with the fact that the ground beneath our feet is constantly shifting. Every day I would just ask myself what could we have done differently to have avoided this misfortune. Just when dad had started recovering well and we had started accepting our new life and routine, dad suffered a second stroke and this time he also caught an infection which the doctors say may not end well.

While he has been through the worst with over 40 days in hospital both times, the most difficult thing to cope with has been the deep despair and heartbreak of knowing what Dad must be going through every day because of his debilitating condition.

With great difficulty and after a lot of thought we decided to bring him home. As part of his rehabilitation, we have to again employ physiotherapist visits, 24x7 nursing care, this time with more expertise as he is not like before. At the same time we are also constantly living with the fear of things going wrong, his condition going worse. To see your hero lying in bed being fed, dependent for his everyday needs, not being able to hear his voice has been the most difficult and traumatic time in our lives. However, as much as his relatives and friends miss him, its the immediate family who undoubtedly feels his absence even in his presence. Oh what wouldnt we give to hear him call our names? What wouldnt my mother give for his comforting presence in her bed next to her, for another argument with him, for his companionship?

But the most distressing thing has been dealing with people around us. While many have been supportive and wishing us well and constantly praying for him, many close ones have spoken ill behind our back, constantly judged us for the descisions we made, second guessed our intentions. This takes a toll on you mentally and psychologically for it leaves you feeling less and loathed with self guilt.

To those I wish to say that may you never have to go through what we have. May you never have to see your loved one suffer and deal with someone doubting your care for them lecturing us on the diets to give, treatments, etc. It is very painful. No one takes care of the care givers. No one takes a moment to ask them how they have been doing, have they gotten enough sleep, how are they managing the funds, their work, their health and their family.

To the people visiting us, I ask you to be kind to us. To trust that since we are the most affected by what happened to our loved one, we are definitely doing our best. That we have invested our time, effort and money in getting him the best treatment and care and if there was more we could do then we will do it regardless of what anyone has to suggest or say. We know best and its our call to make. Care giving is never one-size-fits-all. Unless you have lived with us for a week, both day and night, do not speak for us or speak of us. Its too much at times to be patient in the face of adversity so dont add to our distress and self guilt. And if you hear someone criticising us, shut them up and tell them, "Am sure they are doing their best".

Today, I want to tell myself and so many caregivers out there who are struggling to cope, don't get drowned in dealing with your ill ones. You don't owe answers or explanations to your relatives or friends and if they cared that much, then they might as well take over. Dont try to micro manage things. Its not possible. Mistakes will happen and its okay. You are human too. Self care is important. You may feel like giving up many times in the day but dont. The critics will criticize. That is all they know for they haven't lived in our shoes. They only know what they see in that moment and derive their conclusions from that.

Take time to love your loved one but also love yourself. Crack a joke or three whenever you can. Read a book, magazine or newspaper together for some time every day. Go for a walk. After all, for everything the illness has taken away from your loved one, what it can never ever take away is their love, their laughter and their memories.

An open letter to Maneka Gandhi

Dear Maneka Gandhi,

Adolescence=hormonal outburts=lakshman rekha= cage=animals =mating season

But, we are not animals. That's the whole difference. We are humans and we have been gifted with intellect, reasoning, selfcontrol and many such attributes which is the main reason we are different from animals. So if you try to exercise control over humans in the same way that you control animals during their hormonal outburts, then you lose the entire logic here.

Sex education. Yes. This is the time to teach them about sex education, unprotected sex, unwanted pregnancy, sexual abuse, STDs, consent, etc.
And this has to be taught to both boys and girls alike. What kind of a thought is this to instead exercise control on them in such a manner ? And at such an age where they are already self discovering and learning about their physiological needs from the wrong sources mostly?
Why can't their energies be channelled instead in more productive and social causes? Why can't educational institutions and hostels come up with innovative ways to address this instead of talking unpractically and unrealistically about locking up boys and girls.  Is it a zoo? Are they animals?
I am apalled at this coming from a woman whom I had some regard for amongst a herd of ignorant leaders. And reading this the first thing in the morning a day before Women's day, just gave me a setback into a hundred years.
Is this progress or are we regressing into stone age? What message will you be sending out to these boys and girls? That the only way to refrain from an interaction with the opposote sex is by locking yourself up? That if something wrong happens to a boy or girl sexually then hormones are to be blamed and not ethics, morals and character.
Waah Maneka ji, slow claps for you! You just reiterated what these male leaders have been saying all along.

-A mother of a girl and boy.

HOPE

I pick up my pen to write some lines
Maybe a sonnet, or a verse that rhymes.
I can't think of what I should say
Should I talk about this bright new day?
Should it be a story that I should dare,
Or shall I write of the heartache and despair?
And the betrayals this heart has borne?
Maybe I'll pen the pains life has shown.

I think of all my struggles in life,
The battles I have won with strife,
What was it that made me cope?
Was it this thing called hope?
Yes hope it was that made me go,
Faith kept pushing me through the low.
It was hope that I lost never
My hope in hope will stay forever!

The Thought

You try hard not to cry. You breathe harder. Try not to break down. But even as you do so you feel the tears streaming down your cheeks. You fight hard to not break into a sob. "Breathe", you tell yourself. Just breathe harder and this feeling will pass. You take long deep breaths but that pit in your stomach becomes deeper. That lump in your throat grows bigger. Your chest feels tighter.
You wonder what set this off. You can't seem to put a finger to it. Maybe it was the too many small things that got you to feeling like this? Or maybe that one big thing that you always try not to think of? That thing you want to brush under the carpet. Or want to wipe it out of your life. But it continues to haunt you and remind you in the faces you see around everyday.
"Will I ever be free of it?", you wonder. You fight not to be slave of your past but you are. You will always be.
How is it easy to forget? When you say you have forgiven, then, why are you still holding on to it? Perhaps, forgiving is easier than forgetting.
You sigh. And give in to that sob. Maybe it will free you of these thoughts. You allow the tears to wash it away. You feel lighter. Better. Atleast for the moment. You wipe the tear stained cheeks and continue with the mundane. Till the thought strikes again!

F for Fair

I am the measure of beauty,

The parameter of your success!

It doesn't matter if I'm intelligent, talented or skilled,

Nobody will look that deep.

I define the standards of superiority,

I am the requirement of every matrimonial ad.

Subjected to endless stares and cheap comments,

A fantasy of every perverted mind;

I am the shade that everyone aspires,

While I yearn to be that dusky lass!

Namak se zaika toh har pakwaan deta hai,
Pheekey mein bhi swaad aa jaaye to kya baat ho!

Kashmakash

Behayaee pe toh sab hi martey hai,
Jo sharm-o-haya pe koyi mar mitey toh kya baat ho!

Husn ko sawaar kar kisi ko bhi lubha logey,
Gar saadgi se lubha lo toh kya baat ho!

Lafzon se haal sab bayan kartey hai,
Khamoshi se haal-e-dil kehdo toh kya baat ho!

Kehtein hai mohabbat se har rishta kayam hai,
Nafrat mein mohabbat dhoond lo toh kya baat ho!

Jo lafz hoton se ho na paye bayaan,
Woh aakhon mein padh lo toh kya baat ho!

Andherey mein roshan toh har chirag hai,
Gar andheron ko hi roshan samajh lo toh kya baat ho!

Zakhmo se dard sab ko hota hai,
Dard hi mein sukoon mil jaaye toh kya baat ho!