The Thought

You try hard not to cry. You breathe harder. Try not to break down. But even as you do so you feel the tears streaming down your cheeks. You fight hard to not break into a sob. "Breathe", you tell yourself. Just breathe harder and this feeling will pass. You take long deep breaths but that pit in your stomach becomes deeper. That lump in your throat grows bigger. Your chest feels tighter.
You wonder what set this off. You can't seem to put a finger to it. Maybe it was the too many small things that got you to feeling like this? Or maybe that one big thing that you always try not to think of? That thing you want to brush under the carpet. Or want to wipe it out of your life. But it continues to haunt you and remind you in the faces you see around everyday.
"Will I ever be free of it?", you wonder. You fight not to be slave of your past but you are. You will always be.
How is it easy to forget? When you say you have forgiven, then, why are you still holding on to it? Perhaps, forgiving is easier than forgetting.
You sigh. And give in to that sob. Maybe it will free you of these thoughts. You allow the tears to wash it away. You feel lighter. Better. Atleast for the moment. You wipe the tear stained cheeks and continue with the mundane. Till the thought strikes again!

F for Fair

I am the measure of beauty,

The parameter of your success!

It doesn't matter if I'm intelligent, talented or skilled,

Nobody will look that deep.

I define the standards of superiority,

I am the requirement of every matrimonial ad.

Subjected to endless stares and cheap comments,

A fantasy of every perverted mind;

I am the shade that everyone aspires,

While I yearn to be that dusky lass!

Namak se zaika toh har pakwaan deta hai,
Pheekey mein bhi swaad aa jaaye to kya baat ho!

Kashmakash

Behayaee pe toh sab hi martey hai,
Jo sharm-o-haya pe koyi mar mitey toh kya baat ho!

Husn ko sawaar kar kisi ko bhi lubha logey,
Gar saadgi se lubha lo toh kya baat ho!

Lafzon se haal sab bayan kartey hai,
Khamoshi se haal-e-dil kehdo toh kya baat ho!

Kehtein hai mohabbat se har rishta kayam hai,
Nafrat mein mohabbat dhoond lo toh kya baat ho!

Jo lafz hoton se ho na paye bayaan,
Woh aakhon mein padh lo toh kya baat ho!

Andherey mein roshan toh har chirag hai,
Gar andheron ko hi roshan samajh lo toh kya baat ho!

Zakhmo se dard sab ko hota hai,
Dard hi mein sukoon mil jaaye toh kya baat ho!

Unhein Kehna...

Nahin hum bewafaa unhein kehna ,
Usay kehna ke tanhayi mein aansoon hum ne bhi bahaaye hain,
Hum ne bhi judayi ka gum uthayaa hai,
Waadein na nibhaa sakey ye afsos hamein roz rulata hai.

Unhein kehna, ke har pal saath bitaaya, yaad hai hamein,
Unki choo-an ka ehsas, yaad hai hamein,
Band aankhon se mehsus kar saktey hai hum
Ab bhi unki maujoodgi, unhein kehna!

Khushi bhi hamari, unsey thi,
Aarmaan bhi hamare, unsey they.
Ab na jeeney ki chaah hai,
Na mausam ka hosh-o-hawaaz; unhein kehna,
Ke pehley se kayi zyada hamein unki zarurat hai !

Adhurey Sapnein

Raat ke sannato mein samet ti hun
Main roz apne adhurey sapno ko.
Jo kabhi din mein dekha karti thi-
Ke aise karungi, waisi banungi .
Par khwaab udaan bharney se pehle hi ruswa ho gaye.
Ab naye khwaab kahan se laoon?
Khwaab toh phir bhi naye dekh lungi
Magar who himmat, woh junoon kahan se laoon?
Kahan se laoon woh duniya badalne ka pagalpan?
Jab manzil tak pahunchney ki taqat hi nahi rahi?

"I have the powwwah!"

       It's been 33 years since He-Man was first telecast on tv! I remember how my love for superheroes started with it! I would be glued to the tv set every Sunday morning to watch him claim his power! And I knew that I wanted to be a "He-man" when I grew up! Strong and powerful. And I was never told I couldnt be one.
     I don't remember playing with dolls. They never fascinated me. I was the one cutting up batteries and opening calculators, looking what was inside them. I could fix the tvs and vcrs when they stopped working. I was the one my mom called out to change light bulbs or to check current leaks from the washing machine.
      No don't call me a tomboy. I wasn't anything like a boy. I was very much a girl. A girl who never knew limits. Who knew and still knows that nothing is impossible to achieve regardless of your gender.
My father always taught me to be tough. He got us sisters basic martial art training so we could learn self defence. Even if I had to go far to a new address my father encouraged me to go alone via public transport and find the place myself. All this in the time of no mobile phones. "Dream big!", is what he always told me. "Aim for the stars, so even if you fail, you will reach the moon".
     One evening when I refused to go buy groceries for fear of being teased by the street boys, Pappa got angry. "What a shameful thing to say!", he said to me. "All my upbringing and education has gone waste. You can't tackle a few boys teasing you?".   Dad had never taught us to look down and walk. He always taught me to hold my chin up, to look everyboy in the eye if they ever said anything nasty and get even with them. I still remember how my sister beat up a couple of boys who were stalking us once at Egmore! This was the way we were brought up. Believing that there was nothing that was difficult to tackle or impossible to achieve. Believing that I was no less than a Superhero.
      Years later when Dad offered me a job to look after his computer centre (IT Kids), I remember this one lady commenting, "You must really regret not having an elder son right now", to which my father answered "Not at all! Infact I wish I had two more daughters like her!" Hearing that, was the proudest moment of my life!
      Looking back, I see how forward thinking and modern my parents were and how much they believed and trusted their children. If not for my SuperParents I wouldn't have grown up with the confidence that I hold today. Nor would I have reached where I am. There was no He-man or She-woman for them. Just children who were the "Masters of their Universe"!
And I still believe that I have the powwwah!

Insomnia(c)

Evade me not, i yearn for thee

My tired soul seeks your retreat,

My eyes are heavy, my body sore 

Yet i lie awake, I cannot sleep.

Troubled thoughts cross my mind.

I search for answers and clarity.

For all my dreams are now undefined,

While i lie awake as I cannot sleep.

A thousand tasks lie ahead of me,

I wait for dawn to come quickly.

If only this night would melt away

As I lie awake (I cannot sleep ).

A new day lies in my wake,

A brand new start, a whole new date.

This is my chance to rejuvenate.

But, i lie awake for I cannot sleep.

As days pass by, I dread the nights. 

I wish I wasnt in this plight.

Where at darkness i stare endlessly,

When I lie awake and cannot sleep.

Encounters of the third kind- Part II THE HUG

The series Encounters Of The Third Kind is dedicated to memorable encounters with people, both good and bad, that have left a mark on me.

THE HUG

This was a few years ago. My father's cousin had come down from Pakistan with his family and we were meeting then for dinner. I had never seen them before.this would be my first time. I knew he had a teenage son and a daughter and I was looking forward to meet my distant cousins. As we waited outside the restaurant for them, they arrived and got down from the car. I had that initial awkwardness that we have when we are meeting someone for the first time. I was wondering what type of people they would be- conservative? Modern? How do i wish them? What will I say first? Will they be friendly? Uptight?  

As all these thoughts were playing in my mind I saw them walking towards us. There was this girl, their daughter I presumed, and as she approached us I noticed she had Downs Syndrome.She was smiling wide at us and even before we could exchanged niceties or made introductions , she just came up to me and hugged me. So tight.  Like we were long lost friends or something meeting after years. It was not a normal slack hug. It was a warm tight hug: the kind that immediately loosens you up, and makes you forget all your troubles for that moment. A hug that acknowledges the goodness in your soul, the human in you. A hug that overwhelms you and chokes you up, yet comforts you. You don't know what it is about such hugs but they are contagious and I couldn't help but hug her back in the same way. 

  

While I had all these apprehensions about meeting new people, this girl Sarrah, never bothered about all that. She didn't judge us, she didn't care if we would like her friendliness or not. All she knew was to spread cheer and love with that constant smile on her face. She greeted everyone with equal warmth and a cheerful manner. I couldn't take my eyes off her that evening. I wondered if I would ever open up like that with a stranger. I noticed how overprotective and conscious her brother was of his sister and kept supervising her through the dinner so that we didn't feel awkward with her mannerisms. Oh I didn't care how she held her spoon or how she ate her food. All I cared was how she acknowledged the human in us without any qualms or prejudice. The friendly manner in which she met us for the first time.That day left me anew. I went home feeling so good.

A few months later I got the news that Sarrah is no more. I was shocked. I sobbed like I would have for a dear one. I had only met her once briefly and we hardly spoke. But something about her had stayed with me. It was the warmth of her endearing hug that had connected me to her and that was why I mourned her.

I have big time trust issues while meeting new people. I take time to study them, even judge them by their appearance before I can open up completely and be myself. But Sarrah taught me how a single encounter can leave an everlasting impression on you and make you feel good even years later. We meet new people ever other day. But do we make the effort to connect at such a deep level? Just a smile can break that barrier but it won't mean anything if it doesn't come from the heart. People cross our path for a reason  And Sarrah came into my life to teach me how one meeting can leave you with a lifelong memory.

Dear daughter....

My dear daughter,
This letter's for you.
As you grow up, I need to tell you :
It's a cruel big bad world out there
I worry for you beta, are you aware
That this world will kill your innocence as you grow?

They will give you norms that you will have to fill
How to sit, stand and walk, in which manner should you talk.
"You are a girl, don't do this don't do that",
There will always be a code they will expect you to conduct.

You will get tired correcting your flaws,
But to them you will always remain a little too fat, short or dark.
Don't fall into this trap of the standards the world has set.
They are superficial, they are meaningless!

Dear daughter, no matter what you do it will be imperfect nevertheless;
But remember you are above all, you are no less.
Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise,
They will try and pull you down, but, you must rise.

My dear sweetheart, enjoy every moment of your life,
Don't spend it all blindly in the wordly strife!
Enjoy this world for the beauty it contains,
In the song of the bird, in the rhythm of the rain.

Happiness is in uplifting your mates, not in putting them down.
Always remember- what goes around comes around.
Be crazy, be weird, be mad- it's alright!
It's okay to cry at times, sometimes it's okay to fight!

Don't belittle anyone- you dont know their struggle!
Be kind, be helpful, be honest, be gentle.
But, be stern and stubborn when the situation demands!
Be brave and stand for your beliefs, don't give in to commands!

My dear daughter, life will not always be easy as a song,
I hope you will find love that you will cherish life long.
But mind you that path is not a bed of roses,
It will require great effort and many sacrifices.

My dear darling, I may not be with you till the end
I wish you will grow up to be a strong woman,
A woman that has lived a life with no regrets-
A life with no fear, a life full of zest.

The year of giving up

Last year was tough. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a neuro musculoskeletal pain disorder and my chronic pains basically decided everything for me. No, it has no cure. Chronic pain is a bitch . It eats and gnaws on you slowly leaving you such that you will never be whole again. It kills a part of you. You never heal.
Living in pain 24*7 aint easy. I had to give up on a lot of things.  I gave up on my work, I gave up socialising, I gave up reading books because my hand couldn't hold one, I gave up writing, making crafts. I gave up riding my two wheeler,  I gave up shopping, meeting friends, I gave up my favourite foods because I became intolerant to many,  I gave up complaining about my pains, I gave up explaining my pains, I gave up being understood, I gave up on empathy. I gave up on looking good, I gave up looking at myself in the mirror, I gave up smiling and being happy. If I did, it was just an act to pretend normal in front of my family.
I became home bound and started avoiding people, stopped taking calls or replying to messages. I couldn't roll out chapattis, I couldn't stand for long to cook, I had to pray namaz sitting on a chair. Even bathing became difficult. At 35, not being able to do even normal routine chores makes you feel useless. I would cry in the bathroom. I would cry while praying. I would just stare into the distance and start crying. Everyday was a constant struggle to get up and go about taking care of my children, my husband and myself.
But what I didn't give up on was my faith in my creator.  I knew it was He who gave me this suffering and I knew only He could take it away from me. It was just a matter of time. I never gave up on praying.  I never gave up on researching and reading about my illness. I never gave up on my search for the right doctor to help me. And by sheer chance I met one who changed my life. After my pains became slightly manageable with medication, I started exercising and gradually things became much better.
So is the pain gone?  No. But its bearable now. Am I physically fit to get back to my old life? Nope. I still can't do many activities. Am I cured? No I am not. Will I ever be painfree? I don't know. Will I be able to work like before?  I don't care. All that mattered was I had learnt to manage my everyday pains and work around it to make sure I could make the best out of each day.
I realised the true meaning of the words "Everyday is a blessing ". Yes it is. I don't take any moment for granted. I know that my physical state now is a blessing and for as long as I can be this way, I will live my life to the fullest and celebrate life to the maximum.
So even though I gave up a lot of things,  I also came out much stronger in my faith and beliefs. And now on my 36th birthday I want to give up on a few more things: I would like to give up negativity, hopelessness, depression, hatred, ego, jealousy and all such things which make life miserable and take the fun out of it . And I would like to embrace life and the people in my life who make it worth living. It's too short to waste it.
A year can change a lot of things! And this illness changed a lot for me. Life is slower than before and yes I have to be very careful about the amount of activities I can do per day. I cannot overstrain. I have my limits. But there are so many things I can still do and I am grateful for the ability to do them. It's all about seeing the good in the bad.
This post is to thank all my family, friends, well wishers for being a part of my journey. For not giving up on me. For making me feel so special. I couldn't be happier. May Allah almighty bless all the wonderful people in my life!
Here's to an all new chapter!

<a href="http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com/images/linkback/linkback-2.png" alt="UK Fibromyalgia" width="150" height="150" border="0" /></a>