Marriages and Valentine's day

Couples who have been together for over a decade wouldn't care less about shams like Valentine's day. For them, it's a big deal if they are able to get past a day without murdering each other at times for their sinister side- which you only realise after years of living together.

It takes more than a bunch of roses and chocolates for you to forgive the gross atrocities that a system like marriage unleashes on you. No one tells you that after the bed of roses that love is made to sound like, the bed after marriage gradually turns into a battlefield of sorts for who will have the bigger share of the blanket, or the most space on the bed, in addition to tolerating each others snores, snorts, drools and the wet towel thrown in the morning for the other to pickup.

After 17 years, its now difficult to get past the day with sarcasm, taunts, bickering, snide remarks at the in-laws and arguments on who looks more ugly. Well, who can be blamed for the unrosy picture of the happily ever after which no one talks about. But say what u must, it is also a fact that no matter what, you still wait for the other to show up after the long working day, comforted if not happy that we are in this shit called life, together. That you don't have to be the lone one to bear the brunt of the rolling eyes and temper tantrums of your teen and preteen. This is what gives you the glimmer of hope that a trace of love and affection still exists.

Hubster and me share a love-hate relationship like most normal couples. Infact, our kids cringe if they ever catch us smiling affectionately at the other. However, he is also someone I have got so used to that I cant imagine being without. There are some things that i solely depend on him for and if I am the homemaker, then he is probably my protector.

This morning only reinstated the fact that no matter how strong or independent I will make myself to be, there are some things I just cannot manage without him.

As I entered the kitchen for the morning routine, I was encountered by a stranger. I shrieked in fear as he held out not one, but two weapons at me and stared with rage in his eyes. I called out to my husband helplessly as he cornered me, making evident that any movement from me would only instigate an attack.

 "Help me oh help me please!" Sensing a threat to his existence, the monster lunged at me with all his might! I dodged the attack and ducked and he landed on the wall behind me.

Seizing the opportunity I darted for the door right into the arms of my saviour who had come hearing my cries with a toothbrush in hand and foam in mouth!

"Help me, Kutbi, help me, he's here. And he can fly", I screamed on top of my lungs. My husband grabbed a broom and before my attacker could comprehend, my superhero had lunged at him with his quick reflexes. In no time the cockroach was smashed to his death. In that one moment my husband was no lesser than an avatar of all the Avengers combined together. With tears in my eyes, I was choked with gratitude because in that one moment I knew that he will always be my prince charming, my protector, my knight in shining armour.

"I love you", I said, still shaken. He had saved me from a cockroach. Once again. He looked at me with irritation and annoyance at the commotion I had caused for the kids and the neighbours and went back to the bathroom muttering under his breath about how my XXL size is no good when it comes to my fear of cockroaches. But for me, my Valentine's day was already complete with the testimony of true love I had just witnessed. After all, love is hidden in the little gestures they say.

"TO CARE FOR THOSE WHO CARED FOR US IS ONE OF THE HIGHEST HONOUR"

My Dad recently had a stroke. Across the last five months, we have seen the pillar of our lives crumble in different ways - physically, mentally, cognitively, emotionally. It has changed our lives and the way we live completely. Doctor and physiotherapist visits, 24x7 nursing care, and dealing with the fact that the ground beneath our feet is constantly shifting. Every day I would just ask myself what could we have done differently to have avoided this misfortune. Just when dad had started recovering well and we had started accepting our new life and routine, dad suffered a second stroke and this time he also caught an infection which the doctors say may not end well.

While he has been through the worst with over 40 days in hospital both times, the most difficult thing to cope with has been the deep despair and heartbreak of knowing what Dad must be going through every day because of his debilitating condition.

With great difficulty and after a lot of thought we decided to bring him home. As part of his rehabilitation, we have to again employ physiotherapist visits, 24x7 nursing care, this time with more expertise as he is not like before. At the same time we are also constantly living with the fear of things going wrong, his condition going worse. To see your hero lying in bed being fed, dependent for his everyday needs, not being able to hear his voice has been the most difficult and traumatic time in our lives. However, as much as his relatives and friends miss him, its the immediate family who undoubtedly feels his absence even in his presence. Oh what wouldnt we give to hear him call our names? What wouldnt my mother give for his comforting presence in her bed next to her, for another argument with him, for his companionship?

But the most distressing thing has been dealing with people around us. While many have been supportive and wishing us well and constantly praying for him, many close ones have spoken ill behind our back, constantly judged us for the descisions we made, second guessed our intentions. This takes a toll on you mentally and psychologically for it leaves you feeling less and loathed with self guilt.

To those I wish to say that may you never have to go through what we have. May you never have to see your loved one suffer and deal with someone doubting your care for them lecturing us on the diets to give, treatments, etc. It is very painful. No one takes care of the care givers. No one takes a moment to ask them how they have been doing, have they gotten enough sleep, how are they managing the funds, their work, their health and their family.

To the people visiting us, I ask you to be kind to us. To trust that since we are the most affected by what happened to our loved one, we are definitely doing our best. That we have invested our time, effort and money in getting him the best treatment and care and if there was more we could do then we will do it regardless of what anyone has to suggest or say. We know best and its our call to make. Care giving is never one-size-fits-all. Unless you have lived with us for a week, both day and night, do not speak for us or speak of us. Its too much at times to be patient in the face of adversity so dont add to our distress and self guilt. And if you hear someone criticising us, shut them up and tell them, "Am sure they are doing their best".

Today, I want to tell myself and so many caregivers out there who are struggling to cope, don't get drowned in dealing with your ill ones. You don't owe answers or explanations to your relatives or friends and if they cared that much, then they might as well take over. Dont try to micro manage things. Its not possible. Mistakes will happen and its okay. You are human too. Self care is important. You may feel like giving up many times in the day but dont. The critics will criticize. That is all they know for they haven't lived in our shoes. They only know what they see in that moment and derive their conclusions from that.

Take time to love your loved one but also love yourself. Crack a joke or three whenever you can. Read a book, magazine or newspaper together for some time every day. Go for a walk. After all, for everything the illness has taken away from your loved one, what it can never ever take away is their love, their laughter and their memories.

An open letter to Maneka Gandhi

Dear Maneka Gandhi,

Adolescence=hormonal outburts=lakshman rekha= cage=animals =mating season

But, we are not animals. That's the whole difference. We are humans and we have been gifted with intellect, reasoning, selfcontrol and many such attributes which is the main reason we are different from animals. So if you try to exercise control over humans in the same way that you control animals during their hormonal outburts, then you lose the entire logic here.

Sex education. Yes. This is the time to teach them about sex education, unprotected sex, unwanted pregnancy, sexual abuse, STDs, consent, etc.
And this has to be taught to both boys and girls alike. What kind of a thought is this to instead exercise control on them in such a manner ? And at such an age where they are already self discovering and learning about their physiological needs from the wrong sources mostly?
Why can't their energies be channelled instead in more productive and social causes? Why can't educational institutions and hostels come up with innovative ways to address this instead of talking unpractically and unrealistically about locking up boys and girls.  Is it a zoo? Are they animals?
I am apalled at this coming from a woman whom I had some regard for amongst a herd of ignorant leaders. And reading this the first thing in the morning a day before Women's day, just gave me a setback into a hundred years.
Is this progress or are we regressing into stone age? What message will you be sending out to these boys and girls? That the only way to refrain from an interaction with the opposote sex is by locking yourself up? That if something wrong happens to a boy or girl sexually then hormones are to be blamed and not ethics, morals and character.
Waah Maneka ji, slow claps for you! You just reiterated what these male leaders have been saying all along.

-A mother of a girl and boy.

HOPE

I pick up my pen to write some lines
Maybe a sonnet, or a verse that rhymes.
I can't think of what I should say
Should I talk about this bright new day?
Should it be a story that I should dare,
Or shall I write of the heartache and despair?
And the betrayals this heart has borne?
Maybe I'll pen the pains life has shown.

I think of all my struggles in life,
The battles I have won with strife,
What was it that made me cope?
Was it this thing called hope?
Yes hope it was that made me go,
Faith kept pushing me through the low.
It was hope that I lost never
My hope in hope will stay forever!

The Thought

You try hard not to cry. You breathe harder. Try not to break down. But even as you do so you feel the tears streaming down your cheeks. You fight hard to not break into a sob. "Breathe", you tell yourself. Just breathe harder and this feeling will pass. You take long deep breaths but that pit in your stomach becomes deeper. That lump in your throat grows bigger. Your chest feels tighter.
You wonder what set this off. You can't seem to put a finger to it. Maybe it was the too many small things that got you to feeling like this? Or maybe that one big thing that you always try not to think of? That thing you want to brush under the carpet. Or want to wipe it out of your life. But it continues to haunt you and remind you in the faces you see around everyday.
"Will I ever be free of it?", you wonder. You fight not to be slave of your past but you are. You will always be.
How is it easy to forget? When you say you have forgiven, then, why are you still holding on to it? Perhaps, forgiving is easier than forgetting.
You sigh. And give in to that sob. Maybe it will free you of these thoughts. You allow the tears to wash it away. You feel lighter. Better. Atleast for the moment. You wipe the tear stained cheeks and continue with the mundane. Till the thought strikes again!

F for Fair

I am the measure of beauty,

The parameter of your success!

It doesn't matter if I'm intelligent, talented or skilled,

Nobody will look that deep.

I define the standards of superiority,

I am the requirement of every matrimonial ad.

Subjected to endless stares and cheap comments,

A fantasy of every perverted mind;

I am the shade that everyone aspires,

While I yearn to be that dusky lass!

Namak se zaika toh har pakwaan deta hai,
Pheekey mein bhi swaad aa jaaye to kya baat ho!

Kashmakash

Behayaee pe toh sab hi martey hai,
Jo sharm-o-haya pe koyi mar mitey toh kya baat ho!

Husn ko sawaar kar kisi ko bhi lubha logey,
Gar saadgi se lubha lo toh kya baat ho!

Lafzon se haal sab bayan kartey hai,
Khamoshi se haal-e-dil kehdo toh kya baat ho!

Kehtein hai mohabbat se har rishta kayam hai,
Nafrat mein mohabbat dhoond lo toh kya baat ho!

Jo lafz hoton se ho na paye bayaan,
Woh aakhon mein padh lo toh kya baat ho!

Andherey mein roshan toh har chirag hai,
Gar andheron ko hi roshan samajh lo toh kya baat ho!

Zakhmo se dard sab ko hota hai,
Dard hi mein sukoon mil jaaye toh kya baat ho!

Unhein Kehna...

Nahin hum bewafaa unhein kehna ,
Usay kehna ke tanhayi mein aansoon hum ne bhi bahaaye hain,
Hum ne bhi judayi ka gum uthayaa hai,
Waadein na nibhaa sakey ye afsos hamein roz rulata hai.

Unhein kehna, ke har pal saath bitaaya, yaad hai hamein,
Unki choo-an ka ehsas, yaad hai hamein,
Band aankhon se mehsus kar saktey hai hum
Ab bhi unki maujoodgi, unhein kehna!

Khushi bhi hamari, unsey thi,
Aarmaan bhi hamare, unsey they.
Ab na jeeney ki chaah hai,
Na mausam ka hosh-o-hawaaz; unhein kehna,
Ke pehley se kayi zyada hamein unki zarurat hai !

Adhurey Sapnein

Raat ke sannato mein samet ti hun
Main roz apne adhurey sapno ko.
Jo kabhi din mein dekha karti thi-
Ke aise karungi, waisi banungi .
Par khwaab udaan bharney se pehle hi ruswa ho gaye.
Ab naye khwaab kahan se laoon?
Khwaab toh phir bhi naye dekh lungi
Magar who himmat, woh junoon kahan se laoon?
Kahan se laoon woh duniya badalne ka pagalpan?
Jab manzil tak pahunchney ki taqat hi nahi rahi?

"I have the powwwah!"

       It's been 33 years since He-Man was first telecast on tv! I remember how my love for superheroes started with it! I would be glued to the tv set every Sunday morning to watch him claim his power! And I knew that I wanted to be a "He-man" when I grew up! Strong and powerful. And I was never told I couldnt be one.
     I don't remember playing with dolls. They never fascinated me. I was the one cutting up batteries and opening calculators, looking what was inside them. I could fix the tvs and vcrs when they stopped working. I was the one my mom called out to change light bulbs or to check current leaks from the washing machine.
      No don't call me a tomboy. I wasn't anything like a boy. I was very much a girl. A girl who never knew limits. Who knew and still knows that nothing is impossible to achieve regardless of your gender.
My father always taught me to be tough. He got us sisters basic martial art training so we could learn self defence. Even if I had to go far to a new address my father encouraged me to go alone via public transport and find the place myself. All this in the time of no mobile phones. "Dream big!", is what he always told me. "Aim for the stars, so even if you fail, you will reach the moon".
     One evening when I refused to go buy groceries for fear of being teased by the street boys, Pappa got angry. "What a shameful thing to say!", he said to me. "All my upbringing and education has gone waste. You can't tackle a few boys teasing you?".   Dad had never taught us to look down and walk. He always taught me to hold my chin up, to look everyboy in the eye if they ever said anything nasty and get even with them. I still remember how my sister beat up a couple of boys who were stalking us once at Egmore! This was the way we were brought up. Believing that there was nothing that was difficult to tackle or impossible to achieve. Believing that I was no less than a Superhero.
      Years later when Dad offered me a job to look after his computer centre (IT Kids), I remember this one lady commenting, "You must really regret not having an elder son right now", to which my father answered "Not at all! Infact I wish I had two more daughters like her!" Hearing that, was the proudest moment of my life!
      Looking back, I see how forward thinking and modern my parents were and how much they believed and trusted their children. If not for my SuperParents I wouldn't have grown up with the confidence that I hold today. Nor would I have reached where I am. There was no He-man or She-woman for them. Just children who were the "Masters of their Universe"!
And I still believe that I have the powwwah!

Insomnia(c)

Evade me not, i yearn for thee

My tired soul seeks your retreat,

My eyes are heavy, my body sore 

Yet i lie awake, I cannot sleep.

Troubled thoughts cross my mind.

I search for answers and clarity.

For all my dreams are now undefined,

While i lie awake as I cannot sleep.

A thousand tasks lie ahead of me,

I wait for dawn to come quickly.

If only this night would melt away

As I lie awake (I cannot sleep ).

A new day lies in my wake,

A brand new start, a whole new date.

This is my chance to rejuvenate.

But, i lie awake for I cannot sleep.

As days pass by, I dread the nights. 

I wish I wasnt in this plight.

Where at darkness i stare endlessly,

When I lie awake and cannot sleep.

Encounters of the third kind- Part II THE HUG

The series Encounters Of The Third Kind is dedicated to memorable encounters with people, both good and bad, that have left a mark on me.

THE HUG

This was a few years ago. My father's cousin had come down from Pakistan with his family and we were meeting then for dinner. I had never seen them before.this would be my first time. I knew he had a teenage son and a daughter and I was looking forward to meet my distant cousins. As we waited outside the restaurant for them, they arrived and got down from the car. I had that initial awkwardness that we have when we are meeting someone for the first time. I was wondering what type of people they would be- conservative? Modern? How do i wish them? What will I say first? Will they be friendly? Uptight?  

As all these thoughts were playing in my mind I saw them walking towards us. There was this girl, their daughter I presumed, and as she approached us I noticed she had Downs Syndrome.She was smiling wide at us and even before we could exchanged niceties or made introductions , she just came up to me and hugged me. So tight.  Like we were long lost friends or something meeting after years. It was not a normal slack hug. It was a warm tight hug: the kind that immediately loosens you up, and makes you forget all your troubles for that moment. A hug that acknowledges the goodness in your soul, the human in you. A hug that overwhelms you and chokes you up, yet comforts you. You don't know what it is about such hugs but they are contagious and I couldn't help but hug her back in the same way. 

  

While I had all these apprehensions about meeting new people, this girl Sarrah, never bothered about all that. She didn't judge us, she didn't care if we would like her friendliness or not. All she knew was to spread cheer and love with that constant smile on her face. She greeted everyone with equal warmth and a cheerful manner. I couldn't take my eyes off her that evening. I wondered if I would ever open up like that with a stranger. I noticed how overprotective and conscious her brother was of his sister and kept supervising her through the dinner so that we didn't feel awkward with her mannerisms. Oh I didn't care how she held her spoon or how she ate her food. All I cared was how she acknowledged the human in us without any qualms or prejudice. The friendly manner in which she met us for the first time.That day left me anew. I went home feeling so good.

A few months later I got the news that Sarrah is no more. I was shocked. I sobbed like I would have for a dear one. I had only met her once briefly and we hardly spoke. But something about her had stayed with me. It was the warmth of her endearing hug that had connected me to her and that was why I mourned her.

I have big time trust issues while meeting new people. I take time to study them, even judge them by their appearance before I can open up completely and be myself. But Sarrah taught me how a single encounter can leave an everlasting impression on you and make you feel good even years later. We meet new people ever other day. But do we make the effort to connect at such a deep level? Just a smile can break that barrier but it won't mean anything if it doesn't come from the heart. People cross our path for a reason  And Sarrah came into my life to teach me how one meeting can leave you with a lifelong memory.

Dear daughter....

My dear daughter,
This letter's for you.
As you grow up, I need to tell you :
It's a cruel big bad world out there
I worry for you beta, are you aware
That this world will kill your innocence as you grow?

They will give you norms that you will have to fill
How to sit, stand and walk, in which manner should you talk.
"You are a girl, don't do this don't do that",
There will always be a code they will expect you to conduct.

You will get tired correcting your flaws,
But to them you will always remain a little too fat, short or dark.
Don't fall into this trap of the standards the world has set.
They are superficial, they are meaningless!

Dear daughter, no matter what you do it will be imperfect nevertheless;
But remember you are above all, you are no less.
Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise,
They will try and pull you down, but, you must rise.

My dear sweetheart, enjoy every moment of your life,
Don't spend it all blindly in the wordly strife!
Enjoy this world for the beauty it contains,
In the song of the bird, in the rhythm of the rain.

Happiness is in uplifting your mates, not in putting them down.
Always remember- what goes around comes around.
Be crazy, be weird, be mad- it's alright!
It's okay to cry at times, sometimes it's okay to fight!

Don't belittle anyone- you dont know their struggle!
Be kind, be helpful, be honest, be gentle.
But, be stern and stubborn when the situation demands!
Be brave and stand for your beliefs, don't give in to commands!

My dear daughter, life will not always be easy as a song,
I hope you will find love that you will cherish life long.
But mind you that path is not a bed of roses,
It will require great effort and many sacrifices.

My dear darling, I may not be with you till the end
I wish you will grow up to be a strong woman,
A woman that has lived a life with no regrets-
A life with no fear, a life full of zest.

The year of giving up

Last year was tough. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a neuro musculoskeletal pain disorder and my chronic pains basically decided everything for me. No, it has no cure. Chronic pain is a bitch . It eats and gnaws on you slowly leaving you such that you will never be whole again. It kills a part of you. You never heal.
Living in pain 24*7 aint easy. I had to give up on a lot of things.  I gave up on my work, I gave up socialising, I gave up reading books because my hand couldn't hold one, I gave up writing, making crafts. I gave up riding my two wheeler,  I gave up shopping, meeting friends, I gave up my favourite foods because I became intolerant to many,  I gave up complaining about my pains, I gave up explaining my pains, I gave up being understood, I gave up on empathy. I gave up on looking good, I gave up looking at myself in the mirror, I gave up smiling and being happy. If I did, it was just an act to pretend normal in front of my family.
I became home bound and started avoiding people, stopped taking calls or replying to messages. I couldn't roll out chapattis, I couldn't stand for long to cook, I had to pray namaz sitting on a chair. Even bathing became difficult. At 35, not being able to do even normal routine chores makes you feel useless. I would cry in the bathroom. I would cry while praying. I would just stare into the distance and start crying. Everyday was a constant struggle to get up and go about taking care of my children, my husband and myself.
But what I didn't give up on was my faith in my creator.  I knew it was He who gave me this suffering and I knew only He could take it away from me. It was just a matter of time. I never gave up on praying.  I never gave up on researching and reading about my illness. I never gave up on my search for the right doctor to help me. And by sheer chance I met one who changed my life. After my pains became slightly manageable with medication, I started exercising and gradually things became much better.
So is the pain gone?  No. But its bearable now. Am I physically fit to get back to my old life? Nope. I still can't do many activities. Am I cured? No I am not. Will I ever be painfree? I don't know. Will I be able to work like before?  I don't care. All that mattered was I had learnt to manage my everyday pains and work around it to make sure I could make the best out of each day.
I realised the true meaning of the words "Everyday is a blessing ". Yes it is. I don't take any moment for granted. I know that my physical state now is a blessing and for as long as I can be this way, I will live my life to the fullest and celebrate life to the maximum.
So even though I gave up a lot of things,  I also came out much stronger in my faith and beliefs. And now on my 36th birthday I want to give up on a few more things: I would like to give up negativity, hopelessness, depression, hatred, ego, jealousy and all such things which make life miserable and take the fun out of it . And I would like to embrace life and the people in my life who make it worth living. It's too short to waste it.
A year can change a lot of things! And this illness changed a lot for me. Life is slower than before and yes I have to be very careful about the amount of activities I can do per day. I cannot overstrain. I have my limits. But there are so many things I can still do and I am grateful for the ability to do them. It's all about seeing the good in the bad.
This post is to thank all my family, friends, well wishers for being a part of my journey. For not giving up on me. For making me feel so special. I couldn't be happier. May Allah almighty bless all the wonderful people in my life!
Here's to an all new chapter!

<a href="http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com/images/linkback/linkback-2.png" alt="UK Fibromyalgia" width="150" height="150" border="0" /></a>

The 3 R's after the Rains

The 3R's !
After any disaster or calamity the three main things to be followed are rescue, relief and rehabilitation. We saw how many of the common residents came to the rescue of those affected by the recent Chennai floods,volunteered to provide relief mateials. Now let's not stop at this. Let's keep the efforts going. Next step is to rehabilitate the below poverty level people. those who have lost everything. Make essential kits which will help them sustain their daily living- stoves, raw and non perishable food materials, clothes,  blankets.
We did not wait for the government to act, did we? So let's learn a lesson from this calamity. There is a huge debris left in our streets after this. As everyone Gets busy getting back to their normal life, things are now going to be ignored and neglected. Let that not happen. Let's just start from out streets. Let's volunteer to just start from around our houses. If you are not able to get down and out and do it yourself,  at least make sure you bug the authorities to come and clean it. Don't stop till it's done. Form a street/neighborhood team and follow it up.
After effects of the flood is not going to be good. Start from home. Take the necessary precautions to disinfect your house and surroundings, vaccinate yourselves and your family. And most importantly educate your househelps, maids, watchmen, drivers and other employees on importance of cleanliness, hygiene that is to be followed post floods. If each of us take it upon ourselves, we can bring a huge change. It's possible. We just did it. And we can continue doing it. We don't need to wait for any authorities to act up. We are the change!
-Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin

The empty cage

I had two love birds- yellow and blue;
Quite chirpy, bubbly and animated too.
Every morning I woke up to their Twittery sounds,
Every corner of my house it would surround.
It was fun to watch them fight for food
& Peck on each other when they were rude!
We kept them locked in a green cage
Thinking they would be ours as we age.
One fine day the cage door was gone
No birds,  no nothing,  no more sound.
I wondered why they flew away from us,
Weren't we caring and loved them much?
Then it dawned that it was freedom they found,
Out in the open is where happiness abounds.
I wondered of the day when my children would leave their nest,
And leave me deserted, in search for the best.
My cage would be empty with no more sound
Just memories of them would flutter around.
Oh yes I would miss them so much!
I would yearn to hug them, to kiss and  touch.
But i know that they would soar great heights,
Just like those birds, they will touch the skies!
And for that I must learn to let go-
Because out in the open is where life unfolds!
- Tasneem K

ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND- Part 1

This series, 'Encounters of the third kind' is dedicated to memorable encounters with people, both good and bad, that have left a mark on my memory!!!

As we know that the police is someone you would approach in times of distress and also makes you feel safe when in danger. However i have had some contradictory experiences one of which i have shared here. (I have deliberately left out details on the branch, names etc).

A couple of years back I lost my mobile phone. My bad. With all my work and family pictures and lots of personal information stored inside, I panicked. I thought maybe reporting it with police may help with some chance of finding it back as one of the friends I know had been successful locating it with the help of the police. Also i needed an FIR to apply for a duplicate SIM.
 So I walked in to the nearby police station to file a report. Confidently. As soon as I reached I realized I made a huge mistake visiting this place. I was directed to a room on the first floor with two tables and a smaller room connecting it. One pot bellied mustached police man sat on one table and another similar looking stood nearby. They were questioning an old guy reeking of alcohol, seated on the floor with hands folded and sobbing, "saar manichiringu saar!".
As I entered they asked my business. I said I was there to report my missing phone. The police man looked at each other and exchanged an amused look and the seated guy pointed me to a bench asking me to wait. I sat feeling little uncomfortable. I looked around at the room. Cobwebs everywhere on the ceiling. There were these huge cartons of old monk and some other such brands kept om the loft, consisting of old files i suppose. I mentally counted around 6 or so. I mean like cartons of alcohol bottles? Seriously? In a police station? Are they allowed to drink in a police station? Isn't that their work place? Don't work places have rules? Or maybe rules don't apply to government work places? A creepy feeling crept up my spine as I realized the men to women ratio in the room was 3:1.
They were questioning the old man who was still sobbing and narrating some story explaining what led him to create the mob activity that he was held for. In my mind I knew it must have been the alcohol that caused it.
My attention was drawn to a third police man pacing up an down the corridor staring at me.This was the moment I wished I could have ran out of this creepy place. I looked down at myself to see if I was decently clothed and if a burkha might have been the appropriate dress code to this place.I realized I was dressed modestly enough in a decent black salwar kameez with full sleeves and high neck with a dupatta draped over and I realized that it was not me, but this perverted man's eyes would have penetrated and bored deep through any type of woman's clothing even if she was wearing an iron suit. Some men just have that x-ray vision, you know.
I wondered that if a woman felt so unsafe and vulnerable in the presence of men who are legally endowed to protect you, then there is no place I would feel safe. Nevertheless, I put up a brave face with a "don't mess with me" expression and stared the angriest stare at the policeman outside. I think he understood that I didn't like what he was doing and walked away.
So my turn comes and the seated police guy points at the chair in front of him. Asks me the matter. I realized that English speaking wouldn't be appropriate here and in my most confident Tamil I explained the whole scene to him. He and the other guy exchanged chuckling glances hearing me talk but I ignored and went on with my monologue as he took notes. After I was done, I asked him what were my chances of finding my lost mobile. "None", he said. I just looked at him in dismay for sitting there for so long wasting my time. He went on to say how people lose mobile phones everyday and till now my SIM would have till now been tossed into a gutter, and the mobile sold to some shop who would have restored the factory settings and in turn sold it to someone else. And frankly, they have better work and more important pending cases than looking for lost mobiles. "Still we will try our best Madam, but don't be too hopeful". Point noted.
 I said a polite thank you and left also leaving behind any hope of finding my lost mobile. I could have sworn they mocked me after i had left, as I saw that third policeman join them too. I walked away as fast as i could promising myself to be the best citizen ever so that I never have to encounter being in a police station again!

Things you should never say to your event/wedding planner

As much as people think that event management is a glitzy, glamorous and rich industry to work in, little do they know about the amount of hard work, odd hours, stress and the most difficult clients that we have to deal with.
Here are some things that can make us roll our eyes or gape in stupefaction at our clients.

1.       We want it to be the best event ever but we don’t have a big budget- 

 Don’t we hear this from every other client! Very few understand what they are paying for. Everything comes with a price and if you’re looking for exclusivity, then you should be ready to spend for it!!!

2.       It should be simple, yet classy, elegant, sophisticated and something different! – 

 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That’s too many adjectives rolled into one brief.  Decide how you want your event to reach across to your guests. It can either be simple and down to earth, or over the top and sophisticated. Off course we try our best to balance all these but it’s not easy!

3.       So the photography is inclusive of the decorations, right? - 

  Off course not, unless it’s mentioned so in your quote. Events involve co coordinating with various professions and industries and each has its own charges and specifications. Photography in itself is a profession involving loads of creativity, talent and expensive equipments. Do not end up assuming that all is covered unless you have particularly asked for it.

4.       Will the emcee bring the mike along? - 

 No, the emcee is not going to carry their own mike and speakers to talk into. That would be the sounds and lights department!

5.       So do you have free passes to the next big show in town? or Can you get me a discount at so and so restaurant?- 

 Contrary to popular belief, we don’t receive free passes to every other event in town! And no we don’t get free food and discounts at hotels and restaurants either!

6.       Event manager, aye? You must be partying all the time! - 

 As fun as it may look, party is work for us. Work that involves coordinating with clients, planning for days, dealing with laid back workers, meeting deadlines, standing for hours at the venue executing and supervising things, odd hours of work, stress,etc. At the end of the day you always feel that you are underpaid!

7.       Can you do my event for free; it’s just a small get together. Also I will be inviting you for it. - 

 Either call me as a guest or hire me as a planner. Just because I am attending your event doesn’t mean I will do it for free. It’s not fair to ask!

8.       Hi I have my wedding coming up. I am not sure I can afford a planner. Can you give me some themes and ideas on how to go about it? - 

 Hello!! Ideas, theme, and concepts are what we sell. You just can’t ask us for it and not pay! It’s like asking for the recipe from a chef for his signature dish!

9.       I can’t decide which theme I like. Can we do a combination of all three? - 

 Please let us handle the creative side and try not to make a collage of your pinterest ideas. At the end of the day, how the event was presented will reflect on our company image.

10.   We’re financially tight now, can you pay the vendors, we’ll pay you later- 

 So you decided to have a good time at our expense, huh?!

11.   The guests are getting bored. Is there something you can do? - 

 If you have not planned for the entertainment in your party, you can’t expect the event manager to break into a song/ dance or double up as a stand up comedian!

12.   Why this customized crystal table decor is so expensive, I thought handmade was cheaper?

 You want it customised as per your specification isn’t it? If you don’t prefer the run of the mill set ups available in the market, then you should be ready to pay for that type of exclusivity and creativity.

13.   Can you help me with my event? I was going to do it myself but I don’t think I can now as its just one day away!- 

 Hmm, what I can say on how many such clients we have patronised!

14.   Yes the event went perfectly well, thank you! Can you reduce your rate and give us some discount?-  

 Haggling after the event is over and everything is delivered as promised- definitely not done!

Fifteen things I never expected in my mid thirties! (a cynical view)

This is an age when we women think we have completely discovered ourselves, mentally relaxed, are more in control of things like career/ family life and think life begins now! But what do you know. Here are some things you had never foreseen!

1. KIDS NEVER GROW UP!- If you married and had kids early, and you’re thinking that they’ve grown up and now will be less dependent on you, then you’re wrong. They will remain the centre of your existence no matter how big they grow. You will find yourself always talking about your children with everyone every time! quite boring for others, yes. Single women will try to fill this maternal void with dogs and other pets.

2. Am i aging gracefully?-  Remember those fine lines that you always saw in those age defying product ads? Well, they’re for real. You’ll get them sooner or later. You end up reading more about Botox, liposuction, chemical peeling, tummy tucks, breast enhancements, etc more so now than ever! Whether you will ever get it done is a different story altogether.

3. Bone trouble-  You will realise you have more joints in your body than you know. They will produce sound effects at every friction. 

4. 50 shades of grey, and more-   You will frequent the beauty parlour more than before to hide those latest shades of grey. Stepping out without make up would probably be a brave attempt for you.

5. Push it up-  You will finally realise what was the “Secret” Victoria had been hiding all along. Yes, you will need that extra support now!

6. Pumps in the dumps-   Heels may be one other thing you may be forced to give up on! Stilettos will only end up giving you “still toes” and numb, painful feet! However, body sculpting shape wears are something you will want to invest in.

7.  No money, honey-   No matter how much you’re earning, it will never be enough!! You will always find yourself not having enough for a vacation or desiring something that’s out of your financial ability. Greed, you see, also increases with age!

8. No more "party all night"!-   Titles like ‘Party Animal’ and ‘Night Owl’ will no more feel coveted! Hangover of a party will seem to last forever now and attending social gatherings will leave you drained.

9. Aunty mat kaho na!!!-  You will think twice about venturing out to hangouts like discos and pubs where there are crowds younger than you. You won’t like their music or will feel out of place. And don’t be surprised if someone addresses you as Aunty there!

10. Mind your language-   Stick to the lingo you learnt growing up. Words with spellings like YO WASSUP, AWWW, EEEWWW, AAWWESOMMEE, SOO KOOOL, GAWD and CHILLAX DUDE somehow don’t suit you. You are from the time when these were considered spelling mistakes in school and will be frowned upon by your peers. They will think you are “not acting your age”.

11. Lost my freedom-You will find yourself envying your single friends and their independence as they post pictures of their ever-so- happening- single-and-ready-to-mingle-lives on the social media. If it’s any consolation, please read point number 11.

12. Ms. Forever alone?!!-   Haven’t found Mr.Right yet? Well, sorry to say that it’s going to take you an eternity now. All good guys were already taken when you were twenty five!!

13. I will exercise from tomorrow- You will come across new health threats like decreased metabolism, thyroid, PCOD, heart disease , type 2 diabetes, hyper tension and will start worrying about it, even think of getting into a fitness regime. But that will never happen because you are already stuck in a regime of either a family life with kids or a work life with boss which you will never be able to break!

14.  Just count till Ten-  Tempers become more difficult to control and you would find yourself mentally stabbing annoying people in your head, because murder, is a crime! The friends you liked and gelled with all along have now gone different ways and all you are left with is relatives/colleagues/in laws/neighbors/bosses/workers, none of whom you chose willingly to be a part of your life!!!

15. Am I getting Alzheimer's already?!!-   Memory will start failing you. Names of people you recently met, number of clothes you gave to the laundry guy, remembering to pay your bills on time, safe places where you kept your important stuff, will slowly become difficult to keep track of! The ability to multi-task that you keep priding yourself on, well, that won’t last long either!

As scary as they may sound, the thirties is one time you won’t get to revisit just like your teens and your twenties!!! So in spite the odds, just live it up and make each day count!

(And in case you don’t relate to any of the above, just be assured that age hasn't touched you yet. NOT YET!!)