Fifteen things I never expected in my mid thirties! (a cynical view)

This is an age when we women think we have completely discovered ourselves, mentally relaxed, are more in control of things like career/ family life and think life begins now! But what do you know. Here are some things you had never foreseen!

1. KIDS NEVER GROW UP!- If you married and had kids early, and you’re thinking that they’ve grown up and now will be less dependent on you, then you’re wrong. They will remain the centre of your existence no matter how big they grow. You will find yourself always talking about your children with everyone every time! quite boring for others, yes. Single women will try to fill this maternal void with dogs and other pets.

2. Am i aging gracefully?-  Remember those fine lines that you always saw in those age defying product ads? Well, they’re for real. You’ll get them sooner or later. You end up reading more about Botox, liposuction, chemical peeling, tummy tucks, breast enhancements, etc more so now than ever! Whether you will ever get it done is a different story altogether.

3. Bone trouble-  You will realise you have more joints in your body than you know. They will produce sound effects at every friction. 

4. 50 shades of grey, and more-   You will frequent the beauty parlour more than before to hide those latest shades of grey. Stepping out without make up would probably be a brave attempt for you.

5. Push it up-  You will finally realise what was the “Secret” Victoria had been hiding all along. Yes, you will need that extra support now!

6. Pumps in the dumps-   Heels may be one other thing you may be forced to give up on! Stilettos will only end up giving you “still toes” and numb, painful feet! However, body sculpting shape wears are something you will want to invest in.

7.  No money, honey-   No matter how much you’re earning, it will never be enough!! You will always find yourself not having enough for a vacation or desiring something that’s out of your financial ability. Greed, you see, also increases with age!

8. No more "party all night"!-   Titles like ‘Party Animal’ and ‘Night Owl’ will no more feel coveted! Hangover of a party will seem to last forever now and attending social gatherings will leave you drained.

9. Aunty mat kaho na!!!-  You will think twice about venturing out to hangouts like discos and pubs where there are crowds younger than you. You won’t like their music or will feel out of place. And don’t be surprised if someone addresses you as Aunty there!

10. Mind your language-   Stick to the lingo you learnt growing up. Words with spellings like YO WASSUP, AWWW, EEEWWW, AAWWESOMMEE, SOO KOOOL, GAWD and CHILLAX DUDE somehow don’t suit you. You are from the time when these were considered spelling mistakes in school and will be frowned upon by your peers. They will think you are “not acting your age”.

11. Lost my freedom-You will find yourself envying your single friends and their independence as they post pictures of their ever-so- happening- single-and-ready-to-mingle-lives on the social media. If it’s any consolation, please read point number 11.

12. Ms. Forever alone?!!-   Haven’t found Mr.Right yet? Well, sorry to say that it’s going to take you an eternity now. All good guys were already taken when you were twenty five!!

13. I will exercise from tomorrow- You will come across new health threats like decreased metabolism, thyroid, PCOD, heart disease , type 2 diabetes, hyper tension and will start worrying about it, even think of getting into a fitness regime. But that will never happen because you are already stuck in a regime of either a family life with kids or a work life with boss which you will never be able to break!

14.  Just count till Ten-  Tempers become more difficult to control and you would find yourself mentally stabbing annoying people in your head, because murder, is a crime! The friends you liked and gelled with all along have now gone different ways and all you are left with is relatives/colleagues/in laws/neighbors/bosses/workers, none of whom you chose willingly to be a part of your life!!!

15. Am I getting Alzheimer's already?!!-   Memory will start failing you. Names of people you recently met, number of clothes you gave to the laundry guy, remembering to pay your bills on time, safe places where you kept your important stuff, will slowly become difficult to keep track of! The ability to multi-task that you keep priding yourself on, well, that won’t last long either!

As scary as they may sound, the thirties is one time you won’t get to revisit just like your teens and your twenties!!! So in spite the odds, just live it up and make each day count!

(And in case you don’t relate to any of the above, just be assured that age hasn't touched you yet. NOT YET!!)